Wassup, fellow slackers, poseurs, losers, stoners, and the dorks smart enough to make loot before the dot-com crash.
I said yo, wassup! Not clapping? Good. Thought so.
I get that it’s totally wack, but this year, I’m running for president of the USA, because I want to represent you, the voiceless and forgotten, my fellow Gen Xers.
That’s right, my entire platform revolves around Gen X values, like fixing everything that sucks about this country—which is a lot. Our time is now. The boomers had their chance and blew it. Do we expect millennials to fix anything? Not when they’re busy crying in the office bathroom they won’t. And Gen Z? Sure. Get lost and TikTok a new aesthetic or whatever.
With my Gen X cabinet full of bitchin’ advisors, we’re gonna do what we do best: point out society’s flaws, work hard to work less, fire up the glorified blog, a.k.a. Substack, roll up our sleeves for another tattoo, and tell our grown-ass children to make their own goddamned mac and cheese.