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No thanks. I’m a big dumb dumb. I win the award for Biggest Dumb Dumb every single year. I have so many Biggest Dumb Dumb awards that the shelf I kept them on collapsed under the weight. People got hurt.
When I go out to eat at a restaurant, I spill my drink. I do it on purpose. I also text and drive. I’m texting and driving right now. I’m texting things like “Newsletters are stupid” to all my friends. They all reply, “Who is this?” because I don’t have any friends.
I am a human toilet. When I go into Home Depot, the employees say, “Excuse me, the toilet aisle is over there,” and “I don’t think we’ll ever sell this toilet because it is the worst toilet in the world,” and “Hey, why is this toilet just walking around? Somebody do something.”