A quart of ice cream every hour?
No.
Any processed food?
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin’ Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no.
How about the beer for sale at the football stadium?
No.
Even the Budweiser from the ad with the eagle and horse, which looked like Pegasus, that made me cry?
That is also a no from Mike Tyson.
Anything fudgy that makes people feel fudgy?
Definitely not.
What about the single salty tear that runs down your face when you cry?
No, the sodium content is too high.
RFK Jr.’s new inverted food triangle ends the war on protein, but my doctor says to limit my cholesterol intake. Should I still consume more cheese, meat, and whole-fat milk?
Yes! MAHA!
So I can have cheese even if it’s processed?
Yes. No. Trick question.


