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Created
Thu, 23/10/2025 - 10:04

“Thieves in balaclavas broke into Paris’ Louvre museum on Sunday morning, using a crane to smash an upstairs window, then stealing priceless objects from an area that houses the French crown jewels before escaping on motorbikes.”
Reuters

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I am the best at what I do. I move with precision, each step a carefully choreographed ballet. I do not simply steal things like a common pickpocket; I perform. I create. I inspire.

But not before 9:30 a.m.

If I were to, say, steal the crown jewels from the Louvre, I would not get up at the crack of dawn to do it. Mais non! How could I be expected to perform my best work without a good night’s sleep? Heist days are long, and a sleepy thief is a grouchy thief. And what of my petit dejeuner? Am I to rappel from the roof of the museum’s jewel wing without having enjoyed my pain au chocolat? I may be a thief, but I am not an animal.

Created
Thu, 23/10/2025 - 04:00

Hooray, you’re on the list. Take this buzzer, stand across the street in that puddle, and wait for a little shock. The estimated wait time is six hours. And don’t be surprised if we’re not here when your table is called. We could be anywhere at any time. However, we’re usually near the morgue.

What’s our name? It depends. Our food truck is called Eat Pray Cramp Vomit. Our counter at the food hall is called Le Coli. Our online delivery service is called Dysentery. Our insufferable pop-up? It’s difficult to pronounce. It’s all consonants and diacritical marks. Along with some gagging and sputtering.

No, no, we don’t kill our patrons. Not intentionally. Although we have had some losses. Who hasn’t? Unlike other food collectives, we’ve learned to embrace our mortality rate. It’s part of our ambience. Our joie de vivre! Chef Claire says that a high propensity for death elevates the palate. Until it doesn’t.

Created
Thu, 23/10/2025 - 00:03
Readers may remember the following chart. Bear it in mind. Here’s a summary from Chris Brunet of the cuts: According to the Crimson report, which quotes five anonymous faculty sources, the reductions are as follows: Science PhD admissions slashed by more than 75% Arts & Humanities cut by about 60% Social Sciences reduced 50–70% History […]
Created
Wed, 22/10/2025 - 23:12
Marcuse identifies several mechanisms for how society creates the one-dimensional man: The system generates a vast array of artificial needs (for specific brands, consumer goods, lifestyles) that keep people in a state of perpetual consumption. Satisfying these ‘false needs’ creates a feeling of comfort and contentment, making people unwilling to challenge the system that provides […]
Created
Wed, 22/10/2025 - 23:01

Twenty-four crystal champagne flutes: I love entertaining, so these beautiful champagne flutes are a must-have for the elegant sit-down dinner parties I’ll be hosting. I considered asking for thirty-six, but decided to cut down the guest list. Everyone loves being invited to an exclusive event.

Ten years later: In the attic, wrapped tightly in the very bubble wrap they came in.

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Salad spinner: My husband and I will cook and enjoy nutritious meals together. A healthy lifestyle leads to a healthy marriage.

Ten years later: This gadget stays front and center in the kitchen cabinet, because the inner basket works as a perfect strainer to drain the kids’ Kraft macaroni and cheese.

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His and hers coffee mugs: A cornerstone of marital bliss, these mugs will become a staple of our morning routine. We’ll sit together in our sun-drenched brunch nook and enjoy the quiet early hours together, doing the crossword and watching a family of foxes frolic in our backyard.