Dear President Trump,
I wanted to take a moment, between shoveling snow and apologizing for existing, to thank you for something truly remarkable: You have united Canada. Not politically, not economically, not even spiritually—but in a deep, existential, Tim Hortons double-double-fueled way that transcends provinces, poutine recipes, and hockey rivalries. So from the 49th parallel north, I say: Merci beaucoup!
Because you have, in your own uniquely spectacular fashion, created a unified country. Not by treaty or referendum, but by a shared ripple of disbelief, bemusement, and defensive patriotism. From Nova Scotia’s lobster fishers to Saskatchewan’s wheat growers, from Ontario’s suburban bakers to British Columbia’s kelp-designed charcuterie board makers, we find ourselves speaking in one collective tongue, harnessing a singular voice that says: “Did that just happen?”


