Reading
When I burst forth from Earth’s molten core into downtown Manhattan, I had one intention: to destroy every living thing on Earth. “I will turn the world into my dominion of shadows, a barren wasteland of chaos.” The humans shrugged, unfazed by my horrific threat. “Also, I’m a lesbian.”
The humans screamed, their faces twisted in disgust. “Oh God, it’s going to make us design websites for its gay wedding!”
As I picked up my first victim in my serrated claws, I expected him to beg for his life. But instead, he said, “I think you just haven’t been with the right guy yet.” As I approached a school, ready to vaporize it with my eyes, humans shrieked, “No, that monster will teach the children how to scissor!” When I wrapped my thirty-foot-long tail around a woman’s neck, she wheezed, “It’s really cool you’re killing me, actually. Representation matters.”
I foolishly believed being a lesbian was just another part of me, like my ability to breathe a noxious gas that turns human organs into slurry. But these humans didn’t care that I was destroying them. They just wondered which character I most identified with on The L Word.
1. PSAT tutor
2. ACT proctor
3. Buying and selling GameStop index funds while I’m trying to collect the fucking homework
4. Youth soccer camp coach
5. Piano lessons and biweekly plasma donations
6. Wedding photographer
7. Wedding violinist
8. Lifeguard
9. Cadillac car salesboy
10. Running a literacy enrichment program for underserved youth
11. Running a multilevel marketing cannabis empire over Facebook and LinkedIn
12. Waiting tables
13. Instagram influencer for athleisure wear
14. Teaching ten- to twenty-minute online ESL courses to Korean adults (who may confess to opening a second savings account to hide money from their spouses before hitting on you from many time zones away) back-to-back-to-back for six consecutive goddamn hours
15. Scooping water ice at Rita’s, which pays a better hourly rate than the above
16. Summer curriculum alignment for your own school admin, who still pay you less than the Rita’s down the street