Hi, sweetie. Remember how you told me that your childhood crush was Laura Ingalls Wilder? And that you think America is in the toilet? Well, you’re about to have all your home-churned-butter dreams come true, because I’ve decided to become a tradwife.
Like the other pretty, milk-fed traditional wives on Instagram and TikTok, I want to return to the glory days of the 1960s. Or the 1940s? I’m not entirely sure, but whatever time it was when women served their husbands homemade Pop-Tarts and America was a better place for white men with weak chins, I want to return to it. That’s why I’ve quit my six-figure job: to take better care of you and all of your needs. I’m going from breadwinner to breadmaker.
Of course, quitting my job means losing our health insurance, but now I’ll have more time to cure us with my tinctures and homemade vaccines. Who needs a PPO when you have mason jars and an eye dropper? The next time Tyler gets an ear infection, I’ll just make a poultice out of my law degree certificate and pray it away.