Hey there, it’s me. The CamelBak you bought in 2012 before a post-grad backpacking adventure. Remember that? You used to show me off to all your friends. I was a twenty-five-ounce, dishwasher-safe piece of proof of your commitment to the environment. You used to take me on trips. You even took me to work. We were inseparable.
Sure, I’ve been languishing in the back of your cupboard for the better part of a decade, but every relationship has its peaks and troughs, and I figured we’d get through the dry spell eventually. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that there was someone else—a pastel-colored interloper by the name of Stanley. A real blow to my confidence, that was.
We’ve been through a lot together, so I’m giving you an opportunity to be honest: Are you breaking up with me? I just need to know.