Listen up, soup for brains. Yesterday, you were just a man. But today, a doctor snipped the umbilical cord off an angry, gray alien with your name on it. And whether it was your wife, your girlfriend, or some other remarkable woman that just heave-ho’ed a pineapple out of her lady parts, your entire world’s about to get flipped like a wild-ass pancake.
Congrats, dipshit, you’re a dad now.
Being a man’s man is easy. Any douchenozzle can wake up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym and dip their junk in ice water, or whatever the hell bros are doing these days. But try waking up every two hours, every night, for twelve weeks straight to bottle-feed a screaming wolverine. Now, that’s dad shit right there.
A man might hear a baby banshee-wail and let someone else deal with it. But a dad doesn’t pawn off his late-night duties on a woman who’s still recovering from getting ripped in half. A real dad knows that chick needs some shut-eye.
