As a medical professional, I’ve dedicated my career to improving public health and promoting evidence-based practices. This is why I am here today to tell you that one of the most widely used tools for measuring obesity—body mass index (BMI)—is a failure.
Now, as surgeon general, I am proud to declare that BMI’s tyranny over America’s health is dead. And it shall be replaced with a far more effective system—a group of very mean middle schoolers who will tell you whether you’re fat or just ugly and cringe.
The antiquated BMI metric fails to consider various factors that affect weight, such as muscle mass, bone density, and fat distribution. For instance, a bodybuilder can register as “obese,” and a sedentary person could be considered “normal.”
But rude middle schoolers circumvent these concerns by zeroing in on and magnifying even the tiniest flaws. If anyone can truly assess someone’s obesity, it’s a group of sharp-eyed, perpetually judgmental, social-media-savvy twelve-year-olds.