Attention passengers: This is your captain speaking. The JetBlue crew and I are sorry to disturb you, but we are seeking any passengers with medical training who could assist a fellow novel whose interiority has unfortunately taken a turn for the worse. It’s urgent.
I repeat: We have an urgent novel onboard whose dazzling gravitas has spilled into the zeitgeist. Any help is welcome.
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Attention passengers: The crew and I don’t mean to alarm you, but the novel is nothing short of an emergency. The novel is currently suffering from a miasma of catharsis and contemplative self-awareness, and anyone with even basic first aid training would be instructed to come to the front of the cabin, well, now.
Any assistance provided will guarantee you an additional 1,200 JetBlue Points plus a complimentary beverage of your choice on your next JetBlue flight.
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Attention passengers: The crew would also like to ask whether anyone has a pen—not to write anything, but to pierce this novel’s trachea so that it can breathe a fresh, new voice into the American literary canon.