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1. Check the receipt for your new inflatable standup paddleboard. It’s been six months since you ordered it after drunkenly scrolling your ex-coworker Brittney’s Instagram feed, which is full of majestic outdoor photos. You are way past the return window, so you might as well actually try it at this point.
2. Open the box that has been gathering dust in your garage. All of the components are included in a handy carrying case. You should find your board, a paddle, and a flimsy pump that looks like it couldn’t even handle a balloon.
3. Watch a quick tutorial on how to inflate your board and learn to paddle. It’s easy and fun.
4. Attempt to put everything back into the carrying case only to find that it magically shrank. Throw everything loose in the back of your vehicle.
5. Drive ninety minutes to a county park you found in a paddlesports Facebook group. Discover that there is no restroom facility.
6. Notice a sign posted at the boat launch. All watercraft must have an “invasive species waterway protection permit,” whatever the hell that is, or risk a two-hundred-dollar fine. You should have also purchased a life vest.
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