Hey. Wake up. It’s me, Peaches, and I just found out about @PeachesTheSausageDoggo on Instagram.
And I want my cut.
That’s right, I know all about the Chewy.com partner posts and the 365 Days of Peaches calendar. Over 120,000 followers, huh? Looks like you got about twenty grand coming in per year without paying a dime for labor.
Honestly, I respect a sweet grift. But no one fucks Peaches out of her money.
Seems to me, I’ve spent about 3,200 hours over the past three years hustling for someone else—riding the Roomba, popping out of leaf piles, wearing itchy hot dog costumes, showing off my “smol feets.” At New York minimum wage, you’re into me for about $45,000. But the juice has been running twenty points a week, so that’s $81,901. Let’s round up to an even hundred large to keep the math easy.
I’ve put in my time. Now Peaches gets what’s hers.