Reading

1. This used to be a rite of passage, but for your generation, I believe it’s considered optional.

2. You may be asked questions that you’re not expecting. Don’t panic. Try to figure out the best response from the available options.

3. Most people just bluff their way through it the first time and see what happens.

4. It might not last as long as you think it will. It’s quicker now than it was in my day because teenagers don’t have the same attention span.

5. The occasional involuntary grunt is okay, but try to avoid making other noises. You don’t want to throw off someone else’s game.

6. At some point, you might wonder why years of schooling have not adequately prepared you for this experience.

7. Once it’s over, you may feel unhappy with your performance. Don’t get too upset. You can always try again, but I recommend waiting until you’re better prepared.

8. Remember, people usually do better on their second try.

9. Keep in mind that there isn’t a level playing field. Data shows that it’s easier for males to achieve a positive outcome.

Every year, we wonder what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John Hodgman originally delivered at a literary reading shortly after September 11, 2001.

Good evening.

My name is John Hodgman. I am a former professional literary agent, which on a good day is a pretty small thing to be, and these days feels rather microscopic. Before I was a professional literary agent, I thought it would be a good idea to be a teacher of fiction in a college MFA program because it is easy and you are adored all the time, and of course, it pays a lot of money.

I used to have a lot of bright ideas.

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