The hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars used to build this new stadium will benefit everyone in our city, as long as they own the stadium and the billion-dollar sports team playing inside.
The stadium will be a community space enjoyed by all who can afford a $175 ticket and a steady supply of $37 Dasanis. It will be surrounded by luxurious new apartments (that I own), brand-new stores (that I own), and dozens of new locally owned restaurants that I’ll evict after six months to make room for a Wetzel’s Pretzels (that I own and enjoy).
We’re all going to benefit from the new jobs. We’ll need security guards to break up drunken brawls between sunburned stepdads, custodians to wipe up the puke off those stepdads’ inconsiderate stepsons, and plenty of whatever job deals with both of those groups barreling off the freeway in their Chevy Panzers.
I know I could pay for the stadium myself, but the community needs me to be frugal so I can fund other necessary developments like another country club for underprivileged CEOs.