Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Albert Stiener: The Colonoscopy King. Please listen closely as our menu options have changed.
If this is an emergency and you’re in need of immediate medical assistance, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.
If you’re tired of Big Government getting involved in every aspect of our lives and trying to take away our freedoms as well as our medical licenses we never even had in the first place, press the star key now.
If you’re calling to join one of the ongoing class action lawsuits regarding my use of your colonoscopy videos on social media and in various film festivals, please stay on the line. Don’t hang up; just keep waiting on the line indefinitely.
If you’re calling because you’re confused by our slogan, “This ain’t your granddaddy’s colonoscopy,” press the “end call” button, because you don’t get it and you’re not ready for what we’re all about.