After a decade on dating apps, I’ve decided to enter a different market. This is why I’m listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match—which, to my understanding, will be about forty-eight hours.
I realize that my late-’80s construction might not land me in the “trending” section right away, but I asked my friend Shelly—who hosts occasional RE/MAX open houses now that she’s accepted that her remaining doTerra stock will never sell—to vouch for me as “having a lot of character.” And let’s be real, even if I did have the personality of a McMansion, in this economy, lots of people would still put on brave smiles and call me “aspirational.”
Shelly was concerned for me at first: “Aren’t you worried about getting messages with intrusive questions?” But she met her husband at a Mumford & Sons concert in 2012, so she wasn’t around when we were fighting for our lives on the browser version of OkCupid. I had to explain to her that I’d already gotten every “Are those original?” and carpet-versus-drapes question via DM back when I was still on Match.com. Whatever people want to know, I can handle it.
