
Dear Troops,
First off, welcome! We’ve been anticipating your arrival in our city, where the wind blows like our reported crime rate, so hold on to your MAGA hats and ski masks. The weather changes hourly; prepare for simultaneous sunburn and frostbite. Our humidity smells like Italian beef, and in the winter, our streets are slicker than President Trump’s legal team at a deposition.
Your deployment was unsolicited, but we’re friendly Midwesterners. Neighbors will hand you a rusted lawn chair and a passive-aggressive note about parking “dibs.” Accept both. You’re family now.

Your odds of success for this mission will be as easy to decipher as the standard Midwestern “yeah, no” or “no, yeah,” but don’t let that discourage you from enjoying a slice of our city—and deep dish—while you’re here. Extra sassage.