Hercules, demigod and hero, in a fit of madness brought on by FOMO and too much HGTV, did consult with the Oracle of Delphi about buying a house. The Oracle, in her wisdom, and in partnership with Redfin, advised Hercules, “You know, there’s really never a bad time to get on the property ladder.” And thus, Hercules did put an offer in on a house, and he did cry out, “Oh shit,” when it was accepted, and subsequently, these Twelve Labors were imposed upon him.
1. The Slaying of the Goodwill Acceptable Donations Policy by Surreptitiously Dropping Off, Among Other Items That Should Have Just Gone in the Trash, the Red Wine-Stained Skin of the Nemean Lion, Which Hercules Only Wore Once
2. The Slaying of the Movers Who Broke Hercules’s Only Box of Plates, Not with Violence, But by Leaving a Scathing Google Review Comparing Them to a Nine-Headed Hydra with a Case of the Dropsies
3. The Capture of the Elusive 2022 W2 Form Required to Finalize Hercule’s Mortgage Application, Which Was Somehow Not in the Bankers Box Marked “Important Documents” Even Though Hercules Definitely Remembers Putting It in There
