Give yourself one point for each answer yes.
1. Are your pants unbuttoned before the appetizer is even put on the table?
2. Are you wearing a pilgrim hat and drinking your fourth High Noon?
3. Did you loudly ask what the turkey’s pronouns were, then smirk into your Modelo?
4. Did you explain the origins of the holiday to the children’s table using one to three racist terms?
5. When called out for using one to three racist terms, did you then proceed to use four more?
6. Did you walk into the kitchen and say, “How you girls doin’ with the cooking?”
7. Did you also ask if they’ve been “slaving away”?
8. Then call them “busy beavers”?
9. Instead of eating the home-cooked meal, did you pull out a bag of Ancestral Supplements because you’re on the Liver King’s hunter-and-gatherer diet?
10. Did you just spend a single semester in England, and call the can of cranberry sauce a “tin,” then compliment your cousin on her “jumper”?