TO: Heads of Executive Departments and Agencies
FROM: Department of Grammar Efficiency (DOGE)
RE: Guidance on grammar
The federal Government is eliminating inefficient grammar. NO ONE understands how to properly use an em-dash or semicolon. Therefore, those types of punctuation are now ELIMINATED to protect hard-working American Citizens from further confusion. YOUR WELCOME.
The American People have registered their distaste for long words. You will no longer have to look up the word “sesquepedalian” in the dictionary. In fact, President Trump now forbids Americans from owning dictionaries.
From now on, the president requires Agency Heads to promptly stop using metaphors or similes when communicating within their agencies, with other agencies, or with the general public. It’s like riding a bicycle; you will get used to it.
THERE IS TO BE ABSOLUTELY NO HAIKU IN EMAILS.