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Created
Fri, 17/10/2025 - 11:00

Dear Troops,

First off, welcome! We’ve been anticipating your arrival in our city, where the wind blows like our reported crime rate, so hold on to your MAGA hats and ski masks. The weather changes hourly; prepare for simultaneous sunburn and frostbite. Our humidity smells like Italian beef, and in the winter, our streets are slicker than President Trump’s legal team at a deposition.

Your deployment was unsolicited, but we’re friendly Midwesterners. Neighbors will hand you a rusted lawn chair and a passive-aggressive note about parking “dibs.” Accept both. You’re family now.

Your odds of success for this mission will be as easy to decipher as the standard Midwestern “yeah, no” or “no, yeah,” but don’t let that discourage you from enjoying a slice of our city—and deep dish—while you’re here. Extra sassage.

Created
Fri, 17/10/2025 - 07:00
Update 10.17: Added some of Gov. Pritzker’s threats of legal reprisal against Stephen Miller and my commentary on it at the bottom. Opposition to the Trump regime’s infusion of ICE agents into Democrat-helmed cities and states is manifesting in two separate forms, seemingly uncoordinated: street-level resistance and state and local governments (the latter sometimes includes law […]
Created
Fri, 17/10/2025 - 04:00

Thanks for coming in. Have a seat.

I realize there’s a lot going on right now between work and the seven-headed dragon that is here to brutally murder us, but I really need you to focus. As you know, this is a critical time for our company, and every individual needs to be accountable. Your lack of punctuality with your expense reports is very telling of where your priorities lie. Obviously, you aren’t as concerned with work as I’d like you to be.

I understand death is imminent, but as long as you’re working here, you’re expected to act professionally. And that means getting your projects done in a timely manner so we can continue operating for as long as we can stay solvent. Or alive. Honestly, I can’t tell what will come first, bankruptcy or death. Obviously, if it’s bankruptcy, then we’ll all be fired (as in we’ll all lose our jobs). That means no more benefits like health insurance. Which your family may very well need if this noxious gas emanating from the earth’s crust is anything to worry about.

Created
Fri, 17/10/2025 - 00:00
A lot of people lump all environmental issues under “climate change.” It’s the big bad boogeyman, the easiest to observe, and the first that’s likely to cause catastrophe. This also leads some to think that the problem is relatively easy to deal with. We can simply do aerosol injections into the upper atmosphere, and that […]
Created
Thu, 16/10/2025 - 23:00

Agatha Christie: “I bet I could murder them and get away with it.”

Ernest Hemingway: “For sale. Two testicles. Never used.”

George R. R. Martin: “Hold on, I’ll tell you later…”

Cormac McCarthy: “The man stands. Jaw slacked and mouth opened black and round like a charred spider’s egg. Posture twisted. Hair claggy with gel and sweat. The man does not carry the fire.”

Ernest Cline: “They probably don’t even know what PO-024 Field Repair E-Frame is; such a poser.”

Mary Shelley: “Definitely not a real goth. SMDH.”

Ralph Ellison: “Oh god, not them again—quick, hide!”

Jack Kerouac: “Even I think this guy is a bit much.”

Maya Angelou: “When they were asking me about my book, I’m pretty sure they were confusing it with We Bought a Zoo.”