Honey, before you race out the door, don’t forget your backpack and your lunch and your—
Wait. Hold on a second. Back yourself right back in here.
Are those Bermuda shorts?
Don’t you lie to me. Those cuffs are at least an inch thick—you think I can’t see how many times you’ve rolled those legs up? You think I don’t know you’re going to roll them right back down to your dimpled knees the second you leave the house? How stupid do you think I am?
Hold your arms by your side.
Ohhh no, don’t bend over and slouch your shoulders so you look like a gorilla with sciatica, trying to make it seem like those shorts land in an appropriately crotch-adjacent location. You and I both know they’re too long, and they’re only going to get longer as you move around. There won’t be a hint of butt cheek in sight. People will think I let you out of the house that way!