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Created
Wed, 29/10/2025 - 23:01

Thank you for your interest in CHICKEN FINGERS, an available cat with Furrever Rescue. Furrever Rescue currently has over a hundred cats that desperately need forever homes. But it’s important to us that CHICKEN FINGERS gets adopted into the purr-fect family, so please fill out this questionnaire to make sure you two are the purr-fect match.

1. List your name, your age, your occupation, and your Social Security number.

2. Who else lives in your home? Provide their names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers.

3. Do you have friends or family who come to your house regularly and may interact with CHICKEN FINGERS? Provide their names, ages, occupations, and Social Security numbers.

4. Would CHICKEN FINGERS be an indoor-only or indoor-outdoor cat? If indoor-only, are you willing to cater every room in your home to CHICKEN FINGERS’s specific needs? If indoor-outdoor, go to hell.

Created
Wed, 29/10/2025 - 04:00

It all started when Instagram introduced the twenty-slide photo dumps. Trying to post the correct ratio of photos to memes to appear both off-the-grid and clued-in to the minutiae of internet culture is tough. There are only so many selfies, photos of my dog, and funny-shaped carpet stains I can share before I come off as a shallow, boring influencer.

Floundering, I decided to post an image in my dump of a book a roommate left behind—The Picture of Dorian Gray. Then, as always, the case with the danger of expressing an opinion on the internet, a Reply Guy asked me about it, and I found myself in a masochistic corner of my own making. Were they to discover my photo was a plea for attention, my carefully curated online persona would come unraveling. They might wonder if my bed really is made every morning, if that’s my real dog, or if I am even a good person.

Out of options, I read Oscar Wilde’s seminal work in one night, like an executioner was watching me. The book was actually relatable, even good. It made me… think. Perhaps the relentless pursuit of youth ultimately depletes our humanity? Or something. I told my Reply Guy this, and he said, “Nice.”