Some people want a life partner who’s the perfect adult: always on top of the lawn care, the taxes, and who to vote for in the next municipal election.
Me, personally? All I want is a lover who makes every moment fun and hilarious. That’s why my dating app bio says, “Please don’t take life too seriously!”
When I meet the woman of my dreams, she’ll be a goofball, a rascal, and a fun-loving troublemaker—in that order. I can just picture our first date. We won’t greet with some awkward, straitlaced hug. We’ll instinctively do a fist bump, leading into a fist kaboom, leading into finger birdies, leading into a pirate dance, leading into a light make-out.
We won’t care about that dumb biographical exchange that normies love: “What do you do for work? Oh, do you like teaching? Any siblings? Thoughts on Roth-IRAs? Favorite toothpaste?” Stop, because I need to kill myself.
Instead, my date will smile deviously and say, “Guess where I’m from.”
And I’ll say, “Is it… terrestrial?”
And she’ll say, “Not exactly.”
And I’ll say, “In that case… Glorp glorp glorp glorp.”
And she’ll say, “Glorp glorp. Glorp?”