“We won. The first hour, it was over.”
— Donald Trump, March 11
“The Pentagon has asked for $200 billion in funding for the war in Iran.”
— The New York Times, March 19
I am proud to announce that we have won the war—the one we’re fighting right now, indefinitely. We have declared victory, which will help morale during the next few years of battle. In fact, we won this war so well that we need about 200 billion of your tax dollars to keep winning it.
Look, we don’t want to waste your money. That’s why we vowed to make this a quick war, and we’ve followed through on that promise. The first hour, it was over. The second hour too. First week, over again. Next week, we’ll be wrapping up. In a couple months, we’ll have finished this war more times than any war has ever been finished before.


