Welcome, parents. I am excited to lead your children through second grade, and I look forward to discussing all the progress they will make.
Simultaneously, Back-to-School Night is traditionally a time to meet the teacher and learn about their life. If we linger on that, the discussion will not be fun. I predict that outside the classroom, my life will continue to resemble the B-plot in a near-future dystopian series on the CW.
Each day, I will rise in my studio apartment, which I share with Charles. Charles recently lost his electrician’s license due to the misuse of multimeters. I will shower and dress, eating a small amount of toothpaste, trying to balance my need for the trace calories found in toothpaste against the danger of fluoride poisoning. Charles and I will bid each other a formal goodbye. He will, without rising from the couch, tip his ball cap, and I will, in turn, awkwardly hold up my shoulder bag in nonsensical reciprocation. Charles and I are roommates only, hardly more than passing acquaintances. His friends call him Chuck. I do not.
I will then travel to school on foot, walking 2.4 miles along the frontage road. There is no sidewalk.