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“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”
Forget the naughty-and-nice list; we need a third list for morons. What the hell are you going to do with a hippopotamus? You do not have the resources or space to effectively care for a wild animal in your residential home, especially one without an in-ground swimming pool. Not to mention, you clearly have zero concern for my safety. How the hell do you expect me to transport this thing to you in a sleigh without getting mauled? As if I don’t already have enough to worry about, trying to deliver presents in Stand Your Ground states. Absolutely not.

“My Grown-Up Christmas List”
Oh, no more war? Yeah, let me get right on that. Imagine this whole time I’ve had the ability to stop all war, but didn’t because I was waiting for Amy Grant to ask me to. Can we be serious for two fucking seconds? I run a workshop run by elves. If you were an actual grown-up, you’d be realistic. How about a weighted blanket? Or whiskey stones? Now that’s a grown-up Christmas list.

“White Christmas”
I don’t control the weather.

Three recipes our Neanderthal cousins might have enjoyed

The post The Taste of Prehistory appeared first on Nautilus.

Science-inspired recipes to help you dine like our evolutionary cousins

The post Eat Like a Neanderthal appeared first on Nautilus.

Long-time viewers of Adam Curtis’s BBC documentaries might see a trailer for Shifty, his new five-part online-only series, and wonder if it is saying anything new. ‘There come moments in societies when the foundations of power begin to move’ reads the caption, and we see Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Stephen Hawking, Ian Curtis, […]

The eyes adjust to help us focus as we chat

The post How to Tell if Someone’s Really Listening appeared first on Nautilus.

By pulling a “60 Minutes” segment, the new editor-in-chief is torching the network’s credibility to protect the Ellison family’s interests.

The post Bari Weiss Is Doing Exactly What She Was Installed at CBS to Do appeared first on The Intercept.

A great star shines over a stable in Bethlehem. The Three Kings arrive and kneel before the Holy Family.

BALTHAZAR: We come bearing gifts for the newborn king, O Holy Ones.

MARY: Just put them on the table. We’re doing a white elephant thing this year.

MELCHIOR: White elephant?! Where?

MARY: No, we take turns opening gifts. You can keep the one you open, or switch with anyone else. What could possibly go wrong?

GASPAR: The King of Kings was meant to bring peace on Earth. This will surely cause hatred, greed, and jealousy.

MARY: Oh, it’ll be fun. I’ll start. Ooooh. Gold! Now THAT is a present. Thank you! You’re up, Melchior.

MELCHIOR: I want to go on the record saying I think this is a bad idea. But let’s see. Hmmm, myrrh. I’m going to be honest—I’m a wise man, and even I don’t know what myrrh is. So, I’ll switch it for the gold. Is that how this works?

Dear Valued Child,

This letter was slipped into your stocking to inform you that we recently identified a breach of our North Pole Magic Systems (NPMS) that may have compromised your personal data—namely, the thousands of hours of footage we have of when you are sleeping, as well as when you are awake.

How did the breach occur?

Shortly after Thanksgiving, we detected that a person within the NPMS organization (identity redacted for anonymity) clicked on a link entitled, “Winner!!! Claim FREE 6XL Red Coat With Fur Trim Now!” Regrettably, this turned out to be a phishing scheme that exploited a vulnerability in our system. We now understand that the innocent enchantment of believing hearts is not a reliable form of cybersecurity.

While we have yet to pinpoint the attacker’s identity, we have narrowed the suspects down to three previous perpetrators of crimes against the season: E. Scrooge, Mr. Grinch, and Big City Lady-Lawyer With Christmas Eve Deadline.

For one magical night a year, Santa and his friends bring holiday cheer to millions of people around the world. For the rest of the 364 nights? They’re just like us: hustling to get by in an ever-shrinking global economy.

Rudolph hasn’t had time for any reindeer games lately, thanks to the extra shifts he’s picked up as a Lyft driver. That glowing nose is easy for drunk people to find on Saturday night, but he wishes they’d stop asking him if it has a strobe setting.

The elves have still been working at Santa’s workshop, of course, but on weekends they supplement by working at one of Jeff Bezos’ sweatshops. Try their new line of Amazon elf-ssentials.

In rare interviews, Russians speak candidly about their lives in the presence of war – animated to protect their identities

- by Aeon Video

Watch on Aeon

The right to protest, the right to free speech, and the right to be heard are absolutely essential in any democratic society. That’s why these rights are clearly enshrined in both the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the European Convention on Human Rights. The history of Britain is itself one of protest, protests that […]