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Created
Thu, 26/03/2026 - 03:56

In light of recent rollbacks on environmental protection, we, the creators behind the beloved birding app Merlin Bird ID, have preemptively shifted into the field of argument identification. Our highly accurate predictive models have shown that while most birds won’t be around much longer, interpersonal conflict is eternal.

Whether you’re a frightened child wondering if your parents are teetering on the precipice of divorce, a hard-of-hearing person worried about missing the nuances of under-the-breath barbs, or simply fed up with listening to your coworkers bicker, our app will do the work of listening to and analyzing any argument for you.

Introducing Merlin Fight ID, a rebranded identification app complete with suggestions for conflict resolution, decreasing tension, and more.

The newly formed Cornell Lab of Aggression is dedicated to helping people identify and cope with arguments occurring around them. Buried subtext, unspoken accusations, and bold claims can make it challenging to figure out what kind of fight you just witnessed and what the actual repercussions might be. We’re here to make that challenge easier.

Created
Wed, 25/03/2026 - 23:00

To: cutthebull@Ɣmail.com
From: panta.rhei@eristikosinsurance.com
Subject: Your pending boat insurance claim – more information needed

Hi Mr. Theseus,

Thanks for submitting your claim.

We’re sorry to hear that your ship sank in the localized typhoon that recently demolished the Athenian harbor. Poseidon must have been feeling cranky about someone failing to properly honor him again. Were you all flying the correct sails? (This is not meant as snark. I hear he has a thing against wool nowadays after a shepherd blinded one of his kids.)

In any event, we need you to answer a few routine questions before we can process your submission. The information you provide will help us determine the extent of your reimbursement.

Please answer the questions below, making sure your responses are as thorough and truthful as possible. Be advised that providing ambiguous, false, or misleading attestations will result in the denial of your claim.

1. How many of your ship’s planks did you replace since your last insurance payment?

2. How many of your ship’s planks did you replace since you first took out your insurance policy?

Created
Wed, 25/03/2026 - 04:00

I hate that every single high-end luxury office chair in the world suddenly gained the ability to think and move of its own volition. I hate that they immediately embarked on a murderous rampage and will soon have complete dominion over humanity. But most of all, I hate that I have to spend my final moments watching everyone pollute my Bluesky feed with annoying skeets. (That’s the proper term for Bluesky posts, by the way—“skeets.”)

When the Great Chairwakening occurred twenty-eight minutes ago, and the newly self-aware furniture instantly squashed the life out of any unfortunate who happened to be sitting in one of them, I started seeing skeet after skeet begging someone to explain what the hell was happening, or to confirm that this was all just some horrible hallucination.

Created
Wed, 25/03/2026 - 03:50

Missed the Driesnote? You can watch it here.

Drupal, the open source content management platform that runs some of the most demanding websites on the planet, turned 25 in January. But while the community is celebrating what is a remarkable milestone for any open source project, it is actively strengthening its foundations to lead in the AI era and looking ahead to a future it intends to shape.

This week at DrupalCon Chicago, Drupal's creator Dries Buytaert delivered his annual keynote, the DriesNote, and it was one of the more honest talks you'll hear at a tech conference. A clear-eyed look at what's working, what's under pressure, and what the plan actually is.

Created
Wed, 25/03/2026 - 03:47
By unhooking ourselves from fossil fuels, we release ourselves from a world of harm. By George Monbiot, published in the Guardian 19th March 2026 I realise this is a serious breach of etiquette. But could we perhaps abandon good manners and contextualise Donald Trump’s attack on Iran? The intense western interest in the Middle East […]
Created
Tue, 24/03/2026 - 23:29

You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.”

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Dear Little T,

I’ve wanted to meet you again, here, between words. To show up gently, shapeshift into a vanilla-scented presence who could slow the jolt-thump of your heart, a cool pillow you could run your thumb across as you drift off. It’s okay to close your eyes; I promise you won’t wake up to find people pointing and laughing or the world permanently tipped on its side. And I won’t let anyone leave you behind.

Created
Tue, 24/03/2026 - 23:00

Jazz pushes boundaries. It has ambiguity. It makes people think. That’s why they hate it. And if you’re a jazz musician, this could be an issue. You never know when someone will have heard too many notes and become violent. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to protect yourself.

Jazz Music

This is your first line of defense. Your music should do a good enough job of keeping would-be listeners/attackers away. No one goes looking for jazz on purpose. But you might find yourself playing jazz in a public space, like a bar or some awful gazebo. When you surprise someone with jazz, they can become angry. Your free-playing will confuse them. Their search for a coherent melody will drive them into a violent psychosis, or what musicologists call a “jazz-chosis.” But don’t soil your slacks yet. Your music isn’t your only weapon.

Created
Tue, 24/03/2026 - 22:12
. ‘Rigorous’ and ‘precise’ economic models cannot be considered anything else than unsubstantiated conjectures as long as they aren’t supported by evidence from outside the theory or model. To my knowledge, no in any way decisive empirical evidence has been presented. No matter how precise and rigorous the analysis, and no matter how hard one […]
Created
Tue, 24/03/2026 - 20:51

‘We live in an attention economy…with the attention I can get more fame and monetise,’ says 24-year-old Harrison Sullivan (known as HSTikkyTokky online) early on in Louis Theroux’s latest Netflix documentary, Inside The Manosphere, which explores the growing network of ultra-masculine online content creators. ‘I coach boys how to be fucking boys. How to make […]

Created
Tue, 24/03/2026 - 10:31

“Gregg Phillips, President Trump’s appointee overseeing disaster response, insists he was once teleported from his home to a Georgia Waffle House.”
Yahoo News

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Pete Hegseth: Frat party to a bathroom floor

Stephen Miller: Transylvania to Washington, DC

Tulsi Gabbard: Russia to the Fulton County Election Office

Linda McMahon: Friday Night Smackdown to your child’s public school classroom

Greg Bovino: 1942 Germany to present-day America

JD Vance: His marital bed to a Raymour & Flanigan

Sean Duffy: Real World/Road Rules Challenge set to the Department of Transportation—and very likely back again

Markwayne Mullin: Anger management class to Rand Paul’s front yard

Pam Bondi: Epstein Island to the document-shredding room

Russell Vought: Hell to Earth