Thank you for dialing 911. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully, as our options have recently changed.
To hear about our new subscription service, press 1. Are you tired of long response times? Tapping your foot while your house burns down? Consider upgrading to 911+ today. Jump the line for just $19.99 per month. It’s a small price to pay for peace of mind.
To log in to your 911 account, press 2. Please have your username, password, and secondary device ready for two-factor authentication. To create a new account, press #. No emergency assistance will be sent to users without a verified account.
To speak with Bjǔcko, our new AI response assistant, press 3. This portion of the call will not be monitored, and 911 is not responsible for anything Bjǔcko may say or imply about your racial background. Recording conversations with Bjǔcko is strictly prohibited, and posting videos of Bjǔcko calling you slurs will result in a fifteen-minute response delay during your next call. We promise it’s not worth it.
Please note: Attempting to speak with a live representative now incurs a five-dollar convenience fee.