And when the trumpets sounded, behold, the lamb opened the first four seals, letting forth four horsemen upon the world of man. The first horse, signifying War, was adorned with golden, ill-fitting hair. He was recognized immediately as the great protector of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2 and as a ’90s rap euphemism for wealth.
“You’re fired!” proclaimed the first horse. “Remember me? That was kind of my catchphrase in the early aughts.” He then remarked on the beauty of his daughters, thus bumming the vibe for all who heard.
And a second horse then approached, signifying Famine. The horse spoke thusly, with a gravelly voice, similar to his father’s, but lacking in charisma and clarity, “We’re going to end the war on red meat and bring back measles,” he said, clothed in the finest jeans and flanked by the sixth most popular nu metal artist of 1998. “The only cure for whooping cough is cod liver,” he proclaimed, dragging the carcass of a mighty, dead bear behind him.

